The Black Three Dollar Bill

Kitty Kelley, colonoscopist to the stars, has released ‘Oprah’, her latest unauthorized celebrity biography about the leader of daytime talk shows, Oprah Winfrey. And boy, has this woman dug up the dirt on this overrated and omnipotent media queen. Read on.

You may detect that I’m not a fan of Oprah or her zombie-like, middle-class female followers and Ms. Kelley’s book supports some of my theories. My favourite (and the one I mention to my wife on a weekly basis) is that Oprah Winfrey is gay, her ‘friend’ Gayle King being significantly more than a ‘friend’ and her live-in partner/hanger-on/douche Stedman Graham being nothing more than a well paid beard. Shocking!

So what does Ms. Kelley’s book, for which she culled close to 3,000 transcripts of Winfrey’s past interviews and conducted 850 of her own for material, reveal? Here’s a few tidbits that should get things cooking and let Stedman know that the gravy train is rolling into the station and it’s time to pack his flannel jammies for departure (although he may have already moved on some time ago):

  • On the issue of whether Winfrey and best friend Gayle King are lesbian partners, Kelley concludes there is “no foundation for the rumors of a lesbian relationship.” But in excerpts published by USA Today, Kelley quotes Rosie O’Donnell (from a 2009 Howard Stern interview) saying Winfrey and King are the “emotional equivalent of a gay couple,” and author Erica Jong saying, “I would not be surprised if Oprah is gay.” Gee, ya think?
  • During the 1970s, Winfrey lived with and dated John Tesh, then a local news anchor. The two shared an apartment in Nashville, Tenn., and worked together at WTVF-TV. But according an ex-girlfriend of Tesh’s that Kelley interviewed, the stigma surrounding interracial dating forced him to ditch Winfrey and their apartment, abruptly. “He said one night he looked down and saw his white body next to her black body and couldn’t take it anymore.” That John Tesh…what a thoughtful and forward-thinking douchebag.
  • At one point, according to a landscape gardener Kelley interviewed, Winfrey got too fat to feel comfortable using the pool at her Indiana farm — she feared the paparazzi would photograph her. Or perhaps that GreenPeace might stick her on a flatbed and drop her back in the ocean.
  • Winfrey “will not give her mother her telephone number.” In an interview with The New York Times, Kelley said that Winfrey’s mother must go through the talk show host’s assistant to reach her, and “Oprah has her mother on a very short leash.” But isn’t that standard for everyone’s mother? My mum always calls my assistant when she needs to talk or request a new home or car.
  • Winfrey once stormed out of a Washington, D.C., art gallery after the owner asked her to come upstairs to see three paintings he had bought and shipped to his shop for her viewing, at her request. According to Kelley, Winfrey referred to herself in the third person and said, “Oprah does not do stairs,” then left hastily without purchasing a painting. Hey Oprah…maybe you wouldn’t be shaped like the frigging Hindenburg if you climbed some stairs now and again.
  • Winfrey was somewhat “spoiled” growing up, according to her cousin, Katherine Carr Esters. “Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches I have no idea,” Esters is quoted as saying in “Oprah.” “I’ve confronted her and asked, ‘Why do you tell such lies?’ Oprah told me, ‘That’s what people want to hear. The truth is boring.” No Oprah, YOU’RE boring. The cockroach stuff is entertaining as hell.
  • Winfrey speaks highly of herself. Kelley quotes the talk show host as saying, “I really like me, I really do. … When you mention great actresses, you’ll have to say my name. … I know people really really love me, love me, love me.” Uh…well…I have some bad news for you regarding how people such as myself don’t particularly like you. I do, however like your money so I would be willing to suck it up in the hopes of an eventual payout (à la Stedman). But please don’t let me have to see you gettin’ jiggy with Gayle King.

Ms. Kelley is having problems booking face time on shows like Larry King (“Uh…so Kitty…can you tell us what a gay is…”), Rachael Ray, Barbara Walters and others for fear of upsetting Ms. O. and her gal pals. Whoopi Goldberg staunchly defended Winfrey on her nausea-inducing daytime schlock-fest The View but that isn’t necessarily suprising when you consider that Whoopi Goldberg will defend anyone with a slight tan.

Oprah Winfrey’s power extends to most corners of the entertainment industry and most are not willing to take the chance of upsetting the apple cart and the big fat black lady that rides on top.

But who cares. Isn’t that what this blog is for?

Hear about Oprah’s crush on Diane Sawyer, her gay brother that died of AIDS, her flirtation with prostitution, her cash payouts to an old boyfriend to ensure his silence about her lesiban affairs and the identity of her biological father by clicking the play button below

John and Ken discuss Oprah – click button to play

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