Another Asshole

The world is full of assholes but I seem to run across my fair share on a regular basis. The newest recipient of the ‘Asshole of the Week’ award is Simon Swanwick, a New Jersey resident who managed to waste almost 5 hours of my time and have the audacity to berate me for it. This guy is truly a treat.

Here’s the story in a nutshell: I offer users of an open-source bulk email software system a variety of services including installation, configuration and tutoring. This idiot contacted me requesting I install the software on his web server, configure it and then walk him through the process of creating and sending messages. I should have been suspicious when he mentioned that a previous consultant had bailed on him and will no longer answer his emails. But no, I’m not nearly that astute and agreed to install the software and show him how to use it.

Installation and configuration takes between 1 and 2 hours depending on the web server. This one took a bit over two hours but after my installation the software was functioning as designed and worked flawlessly. We agreed to meet a few days later using collaboration software (I could view and manipulate his computer remotely) and I spent 2 hours and fifteen minutes showing this dick-weed how it worked. Ten minutes into my tutorial it was glaringly apparent that this clown had the intellect of a budgie and was in way over his pointy head. But I persevered as he had paid a deposit (half of my fee) and was paying me to do the job.

Simon discovered quite quickly (only a few hours) that he didn’t have a hope in hell of utilizing the software I had installed on his web server but, rather than try to educate himself and figure it out (as all users of FREE open-source software tend to do) he blamed ME because the application would not do exactly what he wanted it to do. Keep in mind that I didn’t write the software…I only install and configure it. Needless to say, he didn’t pay the balance of my fee and has threatened to contact PayPal to demand a refund. Fat chance of that happening but it’s annoying as hell that he even would consider this as the software is installed, configured and working as it should. It’s his brain that’s not firing on all cylinders.

I think I’m a pretty reasonable guy and will bend over backward to help those that help themselves, sometimes dedicating my time without asking for compensation to ensure my clients understand the software and that it does the job they need it to do. However I’m not willing to offer support or help those that are unfair, dishonest or outright nasty. This idiot was one of the bad ones. So what will I do? After many, many emails answering his ill-informed questions and repeatedly requesting he pay the balance of my fee I advised him that I would no longer reply and would block him from my Skype account, which I’ve done.

It amazes me that there are people on this planet that expect everything for nothing, that expect those that have taken time to learn a particular skill to offer our services for free and put up with their bullshit and complete disregard for other people’s time and patience. People like Simon are the ones that make life for the rest of us difficult and unhappy from time to time. But I believe in karma and hope that Simon runs into someone that will do to him what he did to me. I also hope that he visits my city and I have the chance to explain to his face why he’s a complete and total asshole. That would be karma.

UPDATE: Simon has been a busy boy! He, or one of his minions, contacted my service provider to have this post removed, threatening a lawsuit and lots of other bad stuff. Simon doesn’t realize that this post isn’t slander, it’s just fact and what we refer to in Canada as ‘the truth’. The post is still up but has slipped in Google search results (due to Internet gremlins employed by Mr. Swanwick perhaps?), so if you’ve had any experience with this clown, please link to this article, share on Facebook and tweet to show Google that he indeed is a dick and should be recognized accordingly.

UPDATE TO THE ABOVE UPDATE: We’re back on top! Type ‘Simon Swanwick’ into Google search and guess what appears at the very top of the results? Yup…this post. Aaahhhh…life is good.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Well, we’ve dropped down to fourth place in Google search results but at least those searching for this Simon Swanwick dickhead will still find my post and your copious comments. Let’s hope this post creeps back to it’s rightful position of number one on Google.

ONE MORE UPDATE: This post has been holding it’s own for the past few years by maintaining the number two position in search results on Google when searching Simon Swanwick. Only his LinkedIn page seems to land the top spot but that Swanwick doofus will forever be haunted by and hopefully learn that he can’t treat people like poop without repercussions.


  1. sara   •  

    I also had to speak to that asshole simon swanwick he called for assistance at the company I work for. He was upset over his bill, he wouldn’t allow me to even speak or explain what happened which by the way was his fault and I would gave gladly fixed if he had even let me get one word in. However he screamed at me calling me a worthless fucking cunt over and over again along with some other lovely words. Never in my life has any one been so rude to me I have over 10 years in customer service. That pathetic excuse of a man was by far the most ignorant person I’ve ever talked to. I cannot believe he is a marketing director for European promotions he doesn’t even deserve a job he has no respect for anyone. Karma will get him eventually in the mean time I feel so bad for anyone who has to deal with him. The way he acted was like a total physco I can only pray he can hold his temper physically. He was truly the meanest person I’ve ever felt with.

  2. Harry Hill   •  

    I used to work for this guy. You can’t imagine the depths of his asshol-iness. Cracked me up to google his name randomly and find this as the first link!

    • ex employee   •  

      When I left he still owed me 1 week salary and 1/4 to 1/2 year in commissions .

  3. Tech Support Rep   •  

    Just dealt with him today. He’s no longer a customer of the company I work for. No real loss. All of the above is true. If you do tech support, DO NOT SUPPORT this guy.

  4. Tech Support Rep   •  

    Hopefully this douche bag or the company he works for learns to google his name. Maybe then he’ll learn that being an obnoxious, condescending, ignorant, uncooperative prick isn’t the best way to get help.

  5. Hill   •  

    I’ll check in again just to keep this at the top of the Simon Swanwick Google Hit list.

  6. Voip Sales Rep   •  

    Simon called into our sales dept to get business phone service. I’m glad I googled his name, this website gave me a great laugh, much needed after having to deal with this guy.

    I’m not sure how you live your life living like an asshole to everyone you speak to. Doesn’t make sense to me.
    I hope Simon googles his own stupid name one day.

    BTW, his Call back number is 908-340-4629. Enjoy

    • R&O   •     Author

      It sounds like Simple Simon hasn’t change much over the years and is still very much an asshole.

  7. decided to research   •  

    Well, I’m sure glad I decided to look up the company and the person. This company is looking for workers using craigslist without providing the name of the company. I applied. He left me a voicemail. He did not state who he was but simply said he found my resume and stated the company name which is “Trendyline” apparently. He already sounded quite miserable in the voice mail so, I made a mental note of that. When i called back, I had to leave a message on his line. I decided to research the company while I waited for a call back. I only found one link that just had a brief description of what the company does along with his name. So, since I couldn’t find information on the company, I decided to google his name. This was the first link. I read this as well as the comments to see if anyone worked for him. Boy, he sounds terrible. Not too surprised because as I said, he sounded quite miserable on the voice mail, like he didn’t even want to be bothered or was just…having a bad day. Thank you so much for posting this. It helps prevent abuse from people like that. I will not be calling him back and will look for work elsewhere.

    • R&O   •     Author

      Looks like Slippery Simon continues to annoy the shit out of people around the world. Thanks for your comment.

  8. Pam   •  

    Well…I wish I looked at this site before I started working for him. I just walked out today after working for him less than two months. He berates almost everyone he comes in contact with, and my experience with him today was so traumatic I had to call the police. God knows if I’ll ever get my check that was due to me today.

    • R&O   •     Author

      Wow! Looks like another good reason to exile Mr. Swanwick to the planet Sphincter. Does this clown ever let up?

  9. Pam   •  

    Just curious if you have the capability to play sound on this site? I happened to have recorded the rant that Simon went on, just before I called the police. I was informed that it is perfectly legal to record conversations in the State of New Jersey and this man needs to be heard to be believed.

  10. Barry   •  

    Wow, he just canceled an invoice I had sent him in 2003!! Over 10 years later and still unpaid for web design work I did on his site Seeing such an odd email from Paypal notifying me about this invoice I had completely forgotten about prompted me to google his name and I found this site. Awesome lol! He was living in the town next to mine back then in Morris Plains, New Jersey, when he called me – he had an English accent and said he represented He wanted me to steal and copy the code from Yahoo’s home page to replicate it for his website. I told him I wouldn’t do that, but I did design a comp for him based on Yahoo’s directory structure, which was similar in concept but different enough to make it unique for his brand, and invoiced him. Luckily I told him I wouldn’t start any actual work until he paid the invoice. I guess he took the comp to some offshore coders to do it cheaper than me and never paid me. It was just very odd to see an old invoice get canceled like that – I picture him sitting at home, alone in the dark at his desk late on a Friday night, stroking a cat on his lap and maniacally laughing as he clicks “cancel” on row after row of unpaid invoices which have stacked up in Paypal over the years.

    FYI, it looks like both domains are still active, but they both link to the HealthLinkUSA site. In googling his name I also found a notice of someone that won a ruling against him to get a domain back that he ripped off from them, gopromosdirect. After reading that and seeing the other comments here, I can’t believe what a decade it’s been for him!

  11. James   •  

    “Man.. I wonder if that asshole is still in business.” I said as I googled his name.

    This is the top hit. I worked for him over a decade ago, and he goes down as the legit worst boss I’ve ever had. Screaming over everything. Bitter. Angry. Nothing is his fault ever.

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane. It’s nice to see that he’s universally regarded as a complete prick.

  12. Michael Dunlea   •  

    OMG I worked for this angry clown 24 years ago! I was a lowly temp in his NJ office. A layer of this human onion that has since been left out is his obscene level of micromanagement. Basically he was a control freak. I handed him a letter I had written to a customer to check, he proceeded to speak to me like I was the worst human being alive and had done the worst possible thing ever. After calling me stupid and useless he dictated a new letter into a tape recorder to have secretaries, who I assume were chained to their desks, to type up. After lunch I brought the new letter in for him to sign off on and he proceeded to tear me apart all over again based on the new letter. I couldn’t even get a chance to tell him it was his letter. I had to wait until he finally tired himself out and then I told him, “Simon, that’s your letter!” I was never so happy to quit a job in my entire life. Telling my family the story I decided to Google him! He went on vacation to France and called the office every hour of every day. I seriously pray for this guy and his family. He’s not well. Maybe his former employees/victims could start a support group?

  13. Lop Treadmill   •  

    Holy shit! I worked for him as a temp too, back in 1991!! Total piece of human shit. He had an exclusive line of European pens. I would listen to him freak out on his poor receptionists. THIS COFFEE IS COLLLLDDD!!!!!!!! What a fucking freak.

    • Chi chi   •  

      I was one of those receptionists and he was the biggest asshole EVER!

    • Michael   •  

      I think it was around 1991 when I worked for him in Old Tappan. I will never forget him! LOL

  14. kittsune   •  

    I worked for Simon for about a year and a half (early 2014 – through late 2015) and it was by far the worst experience of my life. List of his offenses:

    • Abusive language directed both at myself, my coworkers, and service members in the presence of other employees (you “are worthless”, “will never make anything of yourself” and “will be working at a CVS without this job”)

    • Instructed me to complete unnecessary or dehumanizing tasks (Locking me out of the building for TWO HOURS when I was late due to traffic, threw papers on the floor when his crappy outdated laptop froze – ps, I was on crutches with a broken foot at the time, so he wanted me to crawl on the floor and retrieve them, not to mention he called me WHILE I was in the emergency room to tell me that if I had broken my right foot I was fired because I wouldn’t be able to drive)

    • Irrational emotional outbursts misdirected at employees due to his mood over unrelated events

    • Played blatantly racist music during work hours. When I protested told me he had “black friends” or “indian friends. Also told a FedEx employee to go “fuck off and make a burrito” when he didn’t get the answer he wanted, simply because the man had a hispanic accent

    • Also literally had no concept of design whatsoever and anytime I made anything remotely good, he would say it was horrible and unusable as well as a waste of time

    The girl I worked with at this time actually quit due to his treatment towards me – I still communicate with her semi-regularly. We would come in with the fear of god in us and wait for him to come into the office, constantly panicky and on the verge of a breakdown due to the anxiety of trying to work for this clearly mentally ill man. He was in the process of a nasty divorce, his children and wife couldn’t stand him, and he literally could not function like a normal human or treat anyone with a modicum of respect.

    My resignation was very similar in content to the above list, and he claimed it was “slander”. I don’t think he understands what slander is. Truthfully I probably should have taken him to court for being an emotionally abusive piece of shit so that I could get unemployment while I searched for a new job, but at that point I was just so beaten down.

    Simon, if you see this, I’m sure you know which employee this is, and I want you to know I have a job paying nearly twice as much as what I started at with you, and a ton of supportive bosses and coworkers who would never treat me even remotely the way you did. I would say have a nice life, but I’m sure you have been and will continue to be a miserable old man with no concept of true happiness.

    • Employee Who Didn't Take Shit   •  

      I’m the girl she worked with! Everything stated above is 100% accurate & probably understated really. He actually once told a FedEx employee a potato was more useful than him because he couldn’t help with the delivery issues we were having. I worked for Simon for about a year & a half. I witnessed & was also the victim of countless abusive occurrences including the above mentioned instance where an employee on crutches was told to get on her knees & pick up UPS labels that Simon himself threw to the floor in a fit of rage. I ended up picking up the labels & reprimanding Simon myself & I quit the following week. I had actually purchased a recording watch with the intent to come in & record Simon to later use the evidence for us to take him to court for abuse because quite frankly that’s what it was, but I quit before I had the chance to use it. I’ve had a few bad bosses in my career but Simon tops the list by far. As a matter of fact, Simon knows this post exists & every so often he tries to get it removed because he doesn’t quite understand freedom of speech. Anyway, Simon (whenever you read this) I just want you to know that karma is real. You have lived & continue to live a miserable excuse of a life for a reason. You deserve every ounce of misery you endure.

  15. x   •  

    I hope his wife successfully got out from underneath this wretched person.She took more abuse than any of us, and was the backbone of the sales force.

    • An almost Employee   •  

      Just to update………………..Simon is divorced

  16. Joan   •  

    This pompous, arrogant English asshole called my office today looking for someone to represent him in a legal matter. He was extremely rude and needless to say, our office did not take the case! Awful excuse of a human being-go back to England scumbag!

  17. MBP   •  

    Simon is a literal asshat

  18. SHF   •  

    Anyone know where I can contact this guy now? His Company, European Promotions (Trendyline) doesn’t seem to be in business anymore…

    • R&O   •     Author

      I have no idea but perhaps someone else will help and point you in the right direction as I’m guessing that he’s either pissed you off or ripped you off.

  19. SHF   •  

    Thanks Ben-but he’s no longer there.

  20. Survivor   •  

    Not proud to admit I worked for this egomaniac control freak for 12 years so know every word written here about the way he treats employees is true. And not for nothing but the wife could be just as condescending but in a more polished manner. I could write a book on the scenarios I witnessed. I believe he yelled at an inside salesperson every time he’d wish a customer a nice weekend. He’d spy on salespeople so he could hear every word they said then demean them after the call was over. Sometimes he’d use his little tape recorder and secretly record conversations. He’s certifiable. And perhaps I am as well for taking his shit for so long.

  21. Joseph   •  

    Hi, everybody. I was employed by Mr. Swanwick a long time ago. I was a highly motivated salesperson. But without any provocation, Mr. Swanwick used to call the prospects where I had scheduled my sales meetings and leave messages asking me to call him when I arrived. Naturally, this undermined my efforts and was counterproductive for the company, but it didn’t seem to matter to him. Oh, well…

  22. Annonymous 1   •  

    I worked for this clown in the 90s. It was absolutely the worst experience I ever had. He is crazy and abuses his employees. But as stated it’s never his fault. It’s always someone else’s fault. He blamed me for a letter going out incorrectly (I was on vacation when the letter was sent out). There was absolutely no reasoning with this clown.

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