First it was malt-flavoured Muffets, then Pond’s skin cream, then Alberto VO5 Conditioning Hairdressing (no longer in stores but still available online for now) and the final indignity, Bick’s Zesty Onion Relish. These are just a few of my favourite products that are no longer sold.
Why are some items picked for annihilation and other lesser products remain on store shelved for generations (Aqua Velva!!) even though they’re of lesser quality and are absolute crap? I have no idea how or why but I looked into the demise of a few of my favourites and this is here’s what I discovered.
Quaker Malt Muffets – My perennial favourite as a child, these awesome circles of morning breakfast goodness (known commonly as ’round shredded wheat’) were discontinued due to weak sales. The Quaker company seems to have wiped them from the Internet as there’s very few references and absolutely no pictures of the original brown box (as opposed to the blue box pictured which are regular Muffets and still available). I’m also unsure exactly when Quaker stopped production but I’m guessing it was the late 80’s.
Pond’s Replenishing Moisturizer Lotion – I’m not sure how I discovered this light, unscented hand and face cream but it was part of my post-workout ritual for years and applied directly after my shower. I’ve tried to find a comparable product but have not come across anything as light and refreshing as this little bottle of skin goodness. I continue to attribute my young looks and smooth skin to years of methodical application of this wonderful bottle of lotion. Pond’s continues to produce Replenishing Moisturizer Cream but it’s thick and goopy and not something I would slather all over my face. Why it was discontinued is anyone’s guess but I’m guessing the lotion was replaced by the cream along with an inflated price tag.
Alberto VO5 Conditioning Hairdressing – Still available online but no longer sold in London Drugs, Shoppers Drug Mart or any other drug store in the lower mainland, this stuff was my magic hair goop for years. It wasn’t greasy, didn’t smell and kept my hair looking perfectly coiffed for the better part of the day. These drug stores report poor sales due to millennials (ya know, the people with no money) preferring newer and significantly more expensive products with stupid names like Axe Charged Spiked Up Look Putty and other silly stuff. They’ll never know what they missed.
Bick’s Zesty Onion Relish – I save this one for last as it’s the product I miss the most and also the most mysterious disappearance of all. This stuff was sandwich magic and tasted like no other relish, especially that horrible, sweet hamburger relish that is presently and mysteriously the only survivor of the sandwich relish holocaust of 2014. There was nothing better than a cheddar cheese sandwich with mayonnaise, lettuce and this wonderful relish to give you reason to live. There was something somewhat adult about the taste and it made anything it touched so much tastier than any other relish available. Smucker Foods of Canada (owners of the Bick’s brand) discontinued the Zesty Onion Relish because “there was not enough support for the product at the time” and for that I damn their souls to eternal hell. They didn’t ask me anything before ripping it off the shelves and leaving me with a very limited selection of horrible hot dog relish and other nasty condiment replacements. I really miss that stuff.