U2 Toilet Virus
I was cleaning my house yesterday and finally got around to scrubbing out the toilet, my least favourite job and the most emotionally traumatizing part of the home sanitation process.
Lifting the toilet seat I was quite shocked to discover U2’s new release ‘Songs of Innocence’ floating around in the bowl. I don’t listen to U2, don’t like their music and really dislike the uber-douche Bono along with his disingenuous, hand-wringing, self-aggrandizing, political whinging. He’s a wanker with silly sunglasses.
After some investigation I discovered that U2 has reached agreements with every municipal government to have the their shit album pumped into every home on the planet. Shiny new copies of their lame aural effort will be pushed through water systems and into the poop-pots of every household on the planet. Imagine the look of shock when little Ranjit peers into the open communal toilet in his Indian village and discovers something quite nasty floating amongst the excrement.
The thing that really annoys me about the discovery is that I can’t seem to flush the damn thing away as it is sticking to the bowl. I’ve tried bleach, Vim, scrubbing powder and industrial toilet bowl cleaner all to no avail. Someone suggested I just keep the seat down so I don’t have to look at it but just knowing it’s there is enough to drive me to distraction. I contacted the toilet bowl manufacturer but was on hold for 3 hours and never did talk to a customer service representative.
My post on the municipal water service discussion forum was deleted because I mentioned the word ‘shit’ too many times and my email to email@example.com was returned as non-deliverable. I’m at a loss.
Perhaps I’ll just move.
UPDATE: After much complaining, my municipal water utility has sent me a bottle of U2 Remover which I applied in copious amounts to my toilet bowl.
After scrubbing and multiple flushes (replacing all the water in the bowl three times as per instructions on the bottle) the offending aural turd was finally removed and flushed away, never to be seen or heard from again.
Let’s just hope they don’t do the same thing with the next James Blunt album.