The Opening Ceremonies

The 2010 Winter Olympic opening ceremonies have had mixed reviews since Friday night’s big event. I, for one, wasn’t too impressed with the 30-40 minutes after the snowboarder intro but it certainly picked up as time went on. The typical aboriginal theme was a bit much and the large poles that rose from the floor of BC Place looked more like adult sex toys than anything else, especially their silhouettes during some of the proceedings. Didn’t anyone on the opening ceremonies committee think they looked like giant, battery-operated vibrators?

I’m tired of every Canadian event being shrouded in our alleged native heritage as this just perpetuates the global stereotype that Canadians wear animal skins and spend most of our day hopping on one foot and warbling monotone, unintelligible songs. That’s not this modern country we call Canada and doesn’t reflect our national and collective culture but the lives and beliefs of a very small minority of Canadians. Where were the joggers, the latte sippers, the snowmobilers, the OTHER Canadians during the opening sequence? Isn’t it enough that we have that goofy Inukshuk figure to represent these 2010 games? Do we constantly pander to the native peoples of this country as atonement for the sins of past Canadian politicians? Probably, and it makes the replacement politicians look warm, fuzzy, caring and empathetic to the plight of our native people too. Plight? Give me tax free status, a free education, free land and all the other goodies enjoyed by our native brethren and I’ll shut the hell up. And to say nothing about the four Host First Nations chiefs showing up 40 minutes late for the opening ceremonies. They only had seven years to arrange a ride into town so I suppose they have a good excuse. But enough of that.

The opening ceremonies were typically Canadian in that they were big, but not too big, grand but not too grand and just enough to make us politely say our collective ooooo’s and aaaaaaah’s. Most liked it, others did not. Toronto Star arts critic Richard Ouzounian gave the ceremony a mostly negative review, blasting the proceedings as “an unimaginatively conceived and loosely executed spectacle that promised much and delivered little.” I don’t agree with Mr. Ouzounian and think he’s a twit. He was obviously switching back and forth between the ceremonies and a Food Network cooking show and got the two confused.

Canadian poetry fat guy Shane Koyczan reads his poem, forcing us to mutter ‘Who the hell is this poetry fat guy?” under our breaths. The celebrity singers were good although it would have been nice if Nelly Furtado and Bryan Adams could have made it less apparent they were lip-syncing their song (yeah, yeah, I know. The Olympic guys forced you to lip-sync but you’re frigging PROFESSIONALS fer chrissake!). KD Lang was by far the best vocalist with her rendition of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah but I only wish she’d worn a dress. For those viewers not familiar with KD’s music and persona, I imagine that “Wow!…that guy sure has a pretty voice.” was being uttered in a few households around the globe.

The BC Place torch-lighting snafu was a bit cringe-worthy but was overshadowed by Gretzky’s trip to the waterfront to light the real torch. A nice touch and a moment to make Canadians proud, aboriginal or otherwise.

Overall I give it all a big thumbs up and can continue to hold my head high as a proud Canadian, polite to a fault and not too rambunctious. And isn’t that the way we like it here in Canada?


  1. Johnny Vintage, Pork Rind Inventor   •  

    I actually felt sorry for the Indians. Those poor buggers had to jump around in the heavy threads for ages. They must have been exhausted. Beautiful outfits though.

    Man, how skinny can Brian get, he made Nelly look like a porker. Is that dude sick?

    As far as KD, she is by far the best singer Canada and maybe North America has every produced. I’ve seen her live and your spine tingles. She is fantastic.

    Yes, her genes are a little mixed but who cares!! They gal has the best pipes going. Go get her new CD or steal off of the internet if your so inclined to completely obliterate the music industry.

    I remember someone once describing her as a “Screaming Dyke. ”

    Only a no talent, brain dead person that is uncomfortable with their own sexuality would say something as ignorant as that.

    And then there’s Wayne Gretsky. A wonderful hockey talent but the guys has ZERO personality. He is as flat as a pancake and so is his dad. Take the stick out of his hand and you wouldn’t even know he was around!!

    If you don’t believe me, download (steal) the Saturday Night Live show he did. They had hundreds of professional writers onboard to try and make him funny. He was so pathetic to watch it was painful.

    How many times has that guy been in the spotlight and he was sweating like a pig. Everyone else was as dry as a bone. Maybe the flaming dildos made him embarrassed.

    And what was the deal with him in the back of the truck. He looked terrified!!

  2. Bob Shoveits   •  

    What? Not a word about the national anthem? The show never recovered from that.
    Has anyone ever listened to the words of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”. A great song? Yes, but a peculiar choice for this event. I’m sure KD Lang had something in mind that she and her friends got a kick out of. Same with the guys who designed the dildos.

  3. Stompin' Tom   •  

    Watching Gretsky riding around in the back of that pickup truck reminded me of my tobacco picking days in Tillsonburg, not far from Gretsky’s home town of Brantford. Maybe that’s why he looked uncomfortable.

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