During the last (almost) 2 months I’ve had time to reflect while continuing to heal after my operation. The realization that things have changed and my body isn’t quite what is was before the operation are becoming clear. And it’s bumming me out.
Any surgery, based on its severity, can affect the body one way or another for the long or short term. Some changes may just be an annoyance or can impact the quality of everyday life and have long lasting consequences. And it can also impact more than your physical self and do bad things to the mind and spirit.
The past week has been hard for me but it has nothing to do with pain or being uncomfortable whether seated or standing. It’s realizing that my body will never be the same as it was. I no longer have a scar-free abdomen or the prostate that’s been with me from day one. I may suffer other side effects of a radical prostatectomy but only time will tell. I’m happy that it all worked out as well as it did but miss my old self and look forward to returning to my life as it was before this all unfolded.
This experience has made me feel somewhat melancholy over the last week or so as I make peace with the changes that may affect me for the rest of my life. I feel like I’ve left part of me behind and I’ll never be that whole person again. I’ve left youth behind and will never see it again. I’ve left my health behind and may have to face these same demons in the future.
I’m now a firm believer that cancer is fucking evil and the final leveler of many, many lives. It took my mother when I was 17 and it’s now it’s haunting me. We all fear a diagnosis and hope every rogue birthmark or every new pain isn’t our turn. A friend was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and his prognosis isn’t especially rosy which hasn’t helped with my mental state this week. Cancer is evil and doesn’t give a shit about who you are, what you do, your age, if you’re a good person or a bad person or how much money you have. It kills indiscriminately and will eventually affect everyone on this planet directly or indirectly.
My own life has changed forever and I feel as if I’ve been living someone else’s life for the past months, dealing with things that I shouldn’t really be dealing with and facing a future that isn’t really mine. After all is said and done, I’d like to just be me again.