Leaving part of me behind

Melancholy ManDuring the last (almost) 2 months I’ve had time to reflect while continuing to heal after my operation. The realization that things have changed and my body isn’t quite what is was before the operation are becoming clear. And it’s bumming me out.

Any surgery, based on its severity, can affect the body one way or another for the long or short term. Some changes may just be an annoyance or can impact the quality of everyday life and have long lasting consequences. And it can also impact more than your physical self and do bad things to the mind and spirit.

The past week has been hard for me but it has nothing to do with pain or being uncomfortable whether seated or standing. It’s realizing that my body will never be the same as it was. I no longer have a scar-free abdomen or the prostate that’s been with me from day one. I may suffer other side effects of a radical prostatectomy but only time will tell. I’m happy that it all worked out as well as it did but miss my old self and look forward to returning to my life as it was before this all unfolded.

This experience has made me feel somewhat melancholy over the last week or so as I make peace with the changes that may affect me for the rest of my life. I feel like I’ve left part of me behind and I’ll never be that whole person again. I’ve left youth behind and will never see it again. I’ve left my health behind and may have to face these same demons in the future.

I’m now a firm believer that cancer is fucking evil and the final leveler of many, many lives. It took my mother when I was 17 and it’s now it’s haunting me. We all fear a diagnosis and hope every rogue birthmark or every new pain isn’t our turn. A friend was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and his prognosis isn’t especially rosy which hasn’t helped with my mental state this week. Cancer is evil and doesn’t give a shit about who you are, what you do, your age, if you’re a good person or a bad person or how much money you have. It kills indiscriminately and will eventually affect everyone on this planet directly or indirectly.

My own life has changed forever and I feel as if I’ve been living someone else’s life for the past months, dealing with things that I shouldn’t really be dealing with and facing a future that isn’t really mine. After all is said and done, I’d like to just be me again.

R&O

  7Comments

  1. Laura Hoorweg   •  

    When a door closes a window always opens!~ Hang in there my friend. It will get better 🙂

    Hugs
    Laura & Tim 🙂

  2. bainsy   •  

    adam: I wrote a comment, but for some reason it didnt’ post. I’m thinking of you and sorry that you are having to go through this painful chapter. You’re right, cancer is EVIL and we are all in some way touched by it. Thanks for sharing your experience. Miss your fun personality at work. Looking forward to your return.
    hugs
    susan

  3. Don Delayen   •  

    Hey Adam,

    All this time I thought you were in the first aid room! We’ve been thinking of you and it’s great to hear that you’re on the mend and will be back soon. The awareness you’ve raised will certainly motivate many, including myself, to get a thorough physical examination. Take care!

  4. Kelly Bocking   •  

    Hi Adam,
    Thanks for sharing all this with us. It was not that long ago that the saying “Life’s too short” did not make a whole lot of sense to me, but your experience and that of others does put things in perspective. Cancer is Evil! It took my father when I was 21, much too soon. Be well my friend, see you soon!

  5. Cindy L   •  

    Just learned a couple of days ago why you were off and what you have been going through. Sorry to hear the rough road you have been on these past few months. All the best in your recovery! You are missed around here. I lost a close friend 52 yrs. old and an Aunt in her late 50’s to cancer this past summer, and another close friend won the battle this past summer. Cancer is becoming epidemic it seems with people in their 40’s and 50’s. You always took good care of your health exercising prior to this happening and have a good sense of humour, and I am sure this will help in your recovery. I am sure you will win this battle. Just remember the mind is a great healer and can produce positive things to happen to your body! Someone I know who had very advanced cancer won the battle through both treatment and positive visualization tapes, she also went to bed each night visualizing herself doing things 20 years down the road. She was told by a nurse in the hospital that the survivors the nurse had observed tried hard to keep a positive attitude and kept telling themselves they would be survivors. Keep telling yourself you are a survivor and you will be. We’re praying for you. Take care.

  6. Pascale   •  

    Hi Adam,
    I just learned about this blog. I think you are very brave to share with all of us, and I appreciate it. You have definately brought awareness to us all. I can’t imagine what you are going through….my uncle has just been diagnosed with limpfoma??? He is being treated right now, it’s stage 4…he’s only 66. If only we knew what causes this horrible disease that takes many forms. They say stress can be a big contributor, and what we eat, who knows really? I am very happy that you are well on your way. Stay positive, keep wearing that wonderful cologne, and my secret to life and all its ups and downs is what my mom has always told me……one day at a time, just take one day at a time.

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